I have had so many experiences throughout my life where people have approached me speaking Chinese or what not. For my life, I’ve had a mixed love hate relationship with that. There’s been some of me that says, well I’d love to learn, but another part of me that wonders what that says about me.
I wonder, do I need to learn Chinese to validate my cultural existence? To validate my claim to that identity? To prove something to other people?
Because of these questions, I haven’t done anything about it.
But, I would love to learn, it seems so useful and there is a part of me that would love to break this trick out at parties. I can’t take on that task at this point in my life where I have to finish my German, but I think after that, I will try to tackle Chinese.
BUT, those same questions from above still exist. I’ve gotten mixed reactions from people who have approached me in Chinese ranging from disappointment to shock to anger. And I don’t want my own motivation to learn to stem from appeasing these strangers. I don’t want it to stem from an insecurity about my own cultural identity.
To answer these questions, I still feel ambivalent and fearful about that.
I am worried that the motivation will be this, and perhaps it even reflects my own disappointment in myself for not learning? Whatever it is, I still feel apprehensive about learning. But the bottom line is that I want to learn for its usefullness at least. I don’t have any answers to these questions.