I have a tendency to hoarde food. I hoard a lot of things because I am afraid when I need them, I won’t have them, but food especially.
In my apartment I have at least 2-3 extra flours and cans of things I might need. So I always have them when I need them. It’s a fear of not having what I need when I need it. It’s a fear of being unprepared, of wanting.
Because while they’re in my apartment, the desire for them is sated. For me, desire is a tricky thing. Sometimes I have used, let’s be real, a lot of the time I have used the rhetoric, I’ll eat it all now, so that I won’t have it/want it/be tempted by it later. And that’s how a lot of my food decisions can be made. It’s a fear, perhaps, of that overpowering desire. Because if I want it bad enough, and can’t have it, won’t that destroy me? make me upset?
Maybe it’s a realistic desire to want what I can have.
But maybe it goes back to that, maybe it goes back to when I was a baby and I learned the power and danger of desire.
Maybe desiring family or desiring shelter, love, warmth, was shown to be dangerous. Because perhaps it was wanting what I could never have, couldn’t dare to hope for. Because that’s a bit of how I feel about desire. For me they are never alluring, but fearful. It reminds me of the desire to want something I don’t know if I can have, it reminds me of disappointment and sadness.
Maybe this isn’t always all from my past, my childhood, but I think a lot of it is. Maybe that’s an excuse.
But regardless, this is how I feel.