My job right now is feel pretty frustrating. There is a lack of direction, structure, and purpose. I feel sometimes like going is sapping my soul. To work so tirelessly for change, to want to make things better, and be sabotaged. You can’t make people want to change, but when you want things to change for the better what do you do?
It is so frustrating and sapping. I am always tired. It takes a lot of energy to push against the tide, to try to keep going, be enthusiastic. It is not like me to let it go, under perform, or do less. But maybe that is the only thing that will save me?
It is frustrating because sometimes it seems that it’s all I ever do. To fight against injustice, sexism, always this upward fight. Against forces that are not only passively, but actively opposing change and good. Surrounded by people who are content to let it pass. My voice being drowned out, my efforts unnoticed, my work being devalued because I am given stupid work, purpose-less work.
It is hard and depressing. So I throw myself into my creative work in all my free time because that is the work that heals me. The work I feel I can be productive and purposeful. But even then, it is not enough to fight this pull.
I feel myself being more upset, more tired, more frustrated. I wonder if there’s a limit to it, or if it will just swallow me up whole. And I wonder how do I get to where I want to be?
I do not have enough time to do the work I want to do, the work that makes me happy. I do not have enough time to scrape by with the minimum work and to look for new work. I do not have enough energy to fight this rising tide, this undertow that will sap my creative energy. And at the moment I have no answers.