So first off, there will be two posts today, I thought about doing a lot of moving around and feeling guilty that people will get two emails today and what not, but this has to be said. I’d write it today anyway, so I might as well post it. I also know it’s on everyone’s minds, how can it not be?
Anyway, I did not want to wake up today, not because I knew the result, but because I didn’t want to face the reality of whatever it was. I feared in my heart the result that followed. I have been pretty silent on social media about my feelings and the complexities of the issues. But the only thing I want to say about it, is how? I do understand that it is complex and that a lot of people feel like the worst of two options, but the campaign is built upon hatred, prejudice, and intolerance. It is made up of hate towards everything that I know in my heart. I did not vote with my body or my vagina, but with my heart. I tried to vote against hatred and against walls. There has been much discussion recently about the complexities, the wrongs in the system, the money, the greed, everything. But on a very basic level, for me, it was about not supporting someone whose statements rely on hate.
Enough on that because I just can’t even think about it anymore. I felt so disappointed with humanity today. I know that it being so fresh and my opinions will change, but I’ve felt this way for a while. Ever since doing my activism and fighting against people who would not accept the truth of sweatshops or the truth of the abuse. I have not been able to go back because it’s so emotional tiring and upsetting to me to always fight against ignorance, hatred, and violence. Against people who will not respect basic human life and care more about money or images or brands. Against people who don’t care that real blood and tears go into their clothing. And so for a while I’ve felt impatient, to say the least, with humanity. It’s why I have had to take a really long time out from all of this, from sexism, from the election, from all these issues that just hurt me. But I’ve realized that you can’t take a time out from it, I can’t. It’s not how it works. So this time away has only been half soothing, but also my head being in the sand for a bit. So today only confirmed something that’s been lurking in my heart for years now. A deep disappointment and sadness.
It’s also extremely hard for me because I feel so sad, obviously, but now so conflicted. I don’t think I can live here forever, or for a long time now (more on that in a later post). I’ve had so many hard feelings here, so many limits of myself I’ve run up against and challenges I’ve faced. Now I don’t know where to belong. I mean I know where my home is, homes are I suppose, but it’s this awful disconnect. This looming bodiless floating sensation. I almost feel like a plankton in the ocean between unsure about where I belong, pulled in both directions. This day has left me with lingering unanswered questions about my future (as if there weren’t enough already). Where do I go? How do I come to terms with the image of my home as so very different than what I thought?
There isn’t much for me to do today, and I know I need to rouse myself and keep fighting on, to not be content with this apathy or this hatred. But for today, I just feel so sad and unsure about so many things.