Month: October 2015

I was pretty unhappy overall the past year. It wasn’t a daily everyday thing, but it was a deep unhappiness. It was a year of change and growth, and change involves pain.

Coming back to Munich involved a lot of sadness, to leave home, but also fear, to return back to a place where I had felt unhappy. And there’s a difference between being unhappy about something, and that deep feeling of discontent or unhappiness.

So to combat these feelings, I thought I would approach my return back to Munich differently this time. I know now the way I could feel, and know the things that have made me unhappy.

So to combat my….

immense free time with only class a few times a week, I want to make a list of all the new things and experiences I want to have/do

feelings of isolation, to both make new friends, but have the courage to go off on my own and experience things

I want to live the life I want, not wait for that life to begin

Like I talked about in the last post, I take a long time to process things. In general. Whether it be sadness or upsetness, frustration, emotions in general.

I can be quick to anger and quick to emotion, but that’s not constructive in the way that after I put out the emotion, there isn’t a reason or a point to follow. It would just be an outburst.

But I’m the type of person who needs time to think about my emotions. I used to just explode, and it was bad for me because sometimes I wouldn’t even know why I was upset, but I knew I was. I need the time.

I need the time to come down from the heat of the moment and really think. Really think, how do I feel, what do I want to say, what is at the root of the problem.

It’s inconvenient for a lot of people and for my relationships because I need that time and in the middle of an argument or something I can’t process. I need that time, but also space, to be in my own head and see if something still does bother me, or if it changes shape.

It is frustrating for me as well, but it’s just how I process things in general. For example, it took me a while to figure out that I was being resentful when I moved to Munich. It took me days of processing, being upset, having time to think, and figuring out what was really going on. And that’s just how I seem to function now.

I can get upset or let out emotions right away, and sometimes that does go well, but it makes me uncomfortable. It feels unfinished to me. It feels like I am not prepared, I want to know how I’m feeling, and right in the moment, sometimes I don’t know.

Not everyone is like that, and everyone’s totally different. Other people want to talk immediately and sometimes I wish I could do that.

But ever since I’ve been taking longer to process, I’ve found it’s actually been beneficial, because I’ve realized the root of some of my anger/problems. For example, I’ve realized that it’s not the sink that bothers me, it’s the implication that I have the time to empty the sink and that someone else doesn’t (a different evaluation of the worth of our respective time). And it takes time for me to process why I am upset.

Often when I talk too soon, I regret it, and if there is a conclusion, it might not be the best, or even accurate if I come up with something that is bothering me afterwards, or the root of the problem afterwards.

There’s nothing saying my way is a correct way, but it does seem to be the way that has been working for me so far, and I think that’s important. Before I didn’t and I wasn’t happy with how things were being resolved, but now it’s getting better, and it’s really allowing me the space and patience with myself to learn what things bother me, and what my limits are.

I have immense jetlag. I went to bed at 8ppm here and woke up around 1 am, only to eat McDonalds and then go to sleep again around 5 to 12.

It was a wild night. Filled with tv shows, McDonalds, and sitting on the couch.

But it has made my day very sleepy.

Sleep loss is a strange thing, but it drives you crazy.

Anyway, am jetlagged, so I’m sorry the blog post was a late today!

I am off to clean up around the house after my master unpack yesterday (because I hate going to sleep when I’m still packed)

By the time this posts, this should be post number 218 and that’s so wild to me. I never thought this would be as popular as this has been. But the feedback I have gotten from people have encouraged me to keep this blog going. I have another blog which I have, but I don’t post as regularly because there’s a lack of audience, but for this one, there are so many people! I can see when people have viewed the posts and it’s so nice to know real people I know are reading this!

So thank you for all the support you all give me. Whenever you want to reach out, just write me an email, if you respond to the email the newletters are sent to, it won’t get to me, so it has to be my own personal email. I can read all of the comments, so that’s a good way to get in touch, but if you want to send me something privately, email is the best way. I’ll try to figure out if there’s a way to enable a contact me form or something when I return to Germany.

But thank you again! 🙂

In case anyone was sad or disappointed in the lack of post yesterday, we took a day trip to Watkins Glen and the Corning Glass Museum. It was an all day affair and I had no time to write one before or after. But I should return to the normal posting schedule tomorrow! So never fear 🙂

I return back to Germany Saturday! So very busy getting things done before I go: haircuts, packing, etc.