Month: March 2015

I watched a youtuber who talked about writing everyday what she was grateful for and I felt pretty inspired.

I used to try to keep a journal, but I could never get into the hang of it. Sometimes I would love it and write pages, and other times I didn’t want to see it. I guess this is now a part of my life and like a journal, but it’s something I can write a few posts and then come back to it in a week. There is no consistent daily writing process. It used to be like that, but I really need to write when I’m inspired. So, in short, this isn’t really a daily journal.

But everyday, no matter what, she writes what she is grateful for, big or small and she said that it has taught her to see the silver lining.

Now I think I can be pretty pessimistic sometimes and it takes me a really long time to see any silver lining. I can be obsessive, paranoid, and pessimistic. I usually assume the worst and it takes me a while to get out of that mode. But I would like to change that.

I want to be able to see the silver lining and to, more importantly, maintain a sense of perspective. Because I think that’s all about the ‘find a silver lining’ thing. It’s the idea that it’s bigger than we are and that there is a larger picture. Not everything is bad, and, as she states, sometimes it’s just as simple as being grateful to have a computer.

I can’t say I will write everyday, but I want to try. It would be nice to prove to myself I can make a commitment like this and change a routine, a symbolic sign I can change and commit to my words. And who knows, maybe it will make me more grateful as well. I hope so.

Gratitude is such a warm emotion. And I would like to be more warm.

When I feel guilty, especially in arguments, I tend to blame other people, usually the other person. It seems to be a default of mine. I know it’s the easy road out and it doesn’t actually solve anything. But I do it. I’m human. I hate that I do, and I’m trying not to, but I do.

I don’t want to.

It’s easy to say that, but I think, in general, I need to get better about accepting my own mistakes. People make them, I do all the time and I need to get better about accepting mine and other people’s.

This is a pretty big thing to ask and to do, but who really benefits from blame? I don’t feel better when I blame someone, especially if it’s because I feel guilty. And even if I did, what does that do? Does it solve the problem? I can’t think of a time when blame has been productive. There’s a difference to accepting and acknowledging mistakes, I think that’s a smart thing to do, but blaming, I don’t think so.

It’s pretty hard because a lot of time we blame others because we can’t face something in ourselves, or our own mistakes.

I’m especially bad at this. I hate making mistakes and when I do, it makes me upset and I hate to acknowledge them. But, as one of my high school professors taught me, it’s a learning experience. They are, but oh boy do I hate to have them.

But I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past and some that have lead me to be the person I am today and I must pay homage to that. Who knows, I can look back to one day to these and think, if I hadn’t made that mistake then [insert something positive].

So from now on all I can say is I’ll try.

That all I can ever do really.

I’m about to leave the US now, but I want to reflect on something I had this break.

My mom and I hosted a women’s lunch. It was lovely and terrific, not only to see old friends, but to be surrounded by accomplished, smart, and wonderful women I have grown up besides. They’ve seen me through everything and been with me for years.

That’s who I want to be friends with, that’s the kind of community I want to build.

We don’t host much at my house, I do a bunch in Munich, but that’s the type of thing I want. I want to implement that when I go back to Munich, maybe a weekend women’s lunch.

I like being surrounded by a community of women. It’s lovely to have any community, but there’s something intoxicating about women. I can relate to them on a level, we talk about things that bounce around in my head and it’s great when there’s that moment where I can say, me too!

I want to have friends when I’m older where I’ve known for years and we get together to have lunches and to reminisce. I want to say, how is that person doing now. I want to talk about the things I’ve collected and my children. I want them to grow up in the same community I did, with the wonderful influences I did.

That lunch really made me very happy and I appreciated it so much.

I was asked recently, if you found out you had only one more year to live, what would you change about the way you were living. And the first thing I thought was, I would do more.

I would do more German, I would travel, I would spend more time with my friends, I would skype more, I would just do more.

I would do yoga, I would do push ups. I would do more.

There are so many minutes of my day I sit around, but I would use them.

I know it may be idealistic to say, I’d change everything, but when I was sitting at home, I would do yoga, or I would practice German.

I would make macaroons again.

I would just do more and more and more.

I want to be that person who people look at and say, wow. I want to be that person, where people say, oh her? She’s doing [insert blank]. I want to be known for my actions. I want to have thoughts and then act on them. I want to be the person I want to be in my dreams. There’s no reason to wait, to stop, to say I don’t have the time. I want to use the time. I want to make time. I want to invest the time in a better me, into the best me I can.

I really want to take this idea into the New Year. This year I want to do more.