Author: Liljumper

I have been thinking a lot about this decision for many months. For about oh almost 10 years I’ve been on different brands of hormonal birth control. I barely even remember a time when I wasn’t. It’s been an up and down of changes and side effects.

Right now I’ve decided to switch over to non-hormonal. This is for a variety of reasons.

1. At some point I will want children and my body will need time, how much I don’t know, to get back to it’s normal state of function after almost a decade
2. I am through putting my body through this. I want it to just be, it’s most organic self. There’s nothing wrong with hormones, but for me it’s been too long that I have no clue what my natural body is like. Is it naturally this sad? Is it naturally this moody? I want to know. I want to reclaim my body. I feel disconnected and confused, not sure what’s real and the drug. Now that I’m at a more stable part of myself and married (eek strange writing that), I want to be the me.

It’s number two that has really convinced me to change over. Also a study that said that hormonal birth control can be linked to higher levels of depression.

And this made me question everything about myself basically.

I want to know me. Me without the drugs that have had side effects on me.

It can be said that the best character of a person can be seen when they are in situations of stress, because that’s when their character can be seen.

I, however, do not really agree with this. Stressed situations, bring out the absolute worst (of me) so do I think that’s my true character? No. I think I still retain aspects of my character that is essential, my generosity and love, but those aren’t the best moments. Maybe that’s the whole point of the saying? But I just hate that idea. Because I know that my character is better than that.

Also I think it’s a bit hypocritical. I am a big stress person. I take the stress off my little stress person partner. So of course when they have a stressed situation they have less stress and are more calm and nice and what not because I’ve been taking the stress off. Where does that show up huh? I, as a big stress person, get stuff done. It’s sometimes not pretty or healthy but it does the job and it usually does it well.

So at the end of those stressful situations is that my character?

Someone who just powers through, takes more stress, and gets things done?

I think there’s so much more to me than that, where are my good qualities?  When do they show up?

I don’t really have an answer but I just don’t really accept it.

Is that the point?

I just don’t want to accept that when I feel like the world could be crumbling at my feet, minor exaggeration?, that that’s my character.

Thoughts?

This post has been written ahead of schedule.

I have been running for the past week on a severe lack of sleep. I just have so much I’m thinking about and I can’t get to sleep and then the lack of sleep and not being able to sleep is stressful and then I can’t sleep even more. One night I didn’t go to bed until maybe four and got back up at 7 to do work.

I know this isn’t good for me, but maybe I just need to get the work done so I can relax. I’ve also been slacking on my yoga and exercise regimen because everything has been so crazy hectic the past months plural!

But I have decided to at least do one sun salutation per day and I’ve been trying this relaxation technique before bed where I repeat “sleep” and “peace”. It’s okay and working alright. But it’s not foolproof.

I need to develop better relaxation techniques so that I can sleep better. I just don’t know how. It’s more of an open cry into the universe at this point. But being less stressed, ie, not having things to do, will help.

Whenever that day comes, I’ll sleep. I don’t see it in the near future I suppose, but it will happen. There will be less stress and I should get better at managing it. Just how is the question and also when.

I know that stress is bad for you, so I’ll just have to do some more research about what I can do, what works for me, to reduce my stress. Taking walks while listening to audiobooks is good, but when is the question…I know I could cut out a youtube video and do that, but that also is destressing in a way. So it’s all just a crazy conundrum dilemma now.

I have faith it will get solved, just I don’t know when.

So I am now legally married! Nothing really has changed, I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel like something has drastically altered, but it hasn’t for me. I just go back to living my old life with a few differences. I have to do some paperwork and wear a ring.

Maybe as the choice settles in things will feel differently? I almost feel like I was supposed to feel different, but I don’t. I’m not sure what will happen, so perhaps when things change it will change.

So that’s all for now folks! I’ll share photos soon 🙂

I never even used to know what science fiction was. As a kid I was really into fantasy, dragons, knights, everything. Feminist fantasy though, with strong women, but fantasy nonetheless. I wanted magic and I wanted the world to be more than it was.

In high school my ex-boyfriend was really into science fiction. I didn’t really pay attention to it, but I started picking up the books and I really enjoyed them. They speak about possibility, and expanding your horizons (literally!). But it wasn’t a place for me. He talked about sci-fi with his class mates (as I watched and waited from outside, also literally). That sphere was entirely male dominated and it wasn’t open to me. So was the comic book shop we went to or the other places where he would talk about it. He never asked to talk about it with me or anything. I even wrote my first and now second thesis about it.

It seemed no matter how interested, it wasn’t something I could talk about. So I didn’t, and still don’t (for the most part). A lot of people, the majority, I know aren’t interested on their own, or they fall into the category of people who are trying (maybe unconsciously?) to not let me in.

SO, my relationship with science fiction has read a lot like my introduction chapter into my thesis. But it’s not like that for everyone. There are lovely more open places, but I have never found them. I just recently found someone I had a conversation with about science fiction and it made me realize I’ve been missing someone to gush to, or to talk to. I just talk to myself, like a lot of my hobbies. I even actually talk to myself. This took a bit of a depressing turn.

Anyway, it just made me realize the relationship I have and the journey I’ve been on, and what I’ve been missing.

I have been known to be somewhat unconventional. I’ve marched to my own tune and stuck to it. A couple of things have surfaced in this regard in relation to my marriage/wedding.

1. The engagement ring. I prefer wearing mine on my middle finger. I think it has a wonderful symmetry to it and I just genuinely like it there. On my ring finger it looks a little out of place. I used to wear a lot of jewelry, in comparison to now, but now I have gotten out of that habit.
2. Changing my name. I like my name and have no intention, for now, of changing it. Maybe if we have kids it would be easier, and I’ll think about that when the time comes.
3. Dress. I wanted to wear my wedding dress every anniversary, so I get more use out of it, and so it would be a special memory of these two celebrations we share.

I know I’ll probably wear my wedding band on my ring finger (which is the question), but these are the questions I have gotten so far. Mostly about the ring. But we shall see what I decide to do when I get the other one. My mind isn’t made up in stone, nor is this a grand statement, just personal preferences.

People didn’t recognize me as engaged without the ring, or the dress and that mattered to me for a while. But then I thought how crazy it is that I wear this one symbol and it’s a sign to the world of this. When I don’t feel particularly different. It made me question it. Why I wanted people to know, or strangers to congratulate me. But I have found the happiness, the inner pleasure, I have in being engaged (or what not) in myself. I’m not saying it’s wrong to want others to congratulate you, I think it’s such a nice moment. But for me, it made me really think about what it was I wanted and why.

Hello everyone,

I had a very eventful weekend and it took me longer to recover than I thought, so I didn’t manage to edit my weekend post before it went up! I’m so sorry and have now written it to tell you about my weekend, so please check it out!

If you go to the site from this email, you can find the post. Or you can find it here!

Sorry everyone, I forgot to write about my Bacherlorette weekend.

In the morning we painted some beautiful pottery pieces that I am so excited about. It’s always cool how everyone’s personality comes out during those types of art activities and it so relaxing to do.

After that we did a food tour which was quite cold, which I didn’t feel for the first hour, but the second was rough. The food was good, mostly smaller things, but in plenty. We had cheese and bread and meat, and finished it with a nice fresh pressed juice.

Then we had an hour or two break to recollect and came over to mine after for a wine and cheese evening. That was a lot of fun, some parts of which I don’t remember! I made many interesting pairings of cheese, including honey, spicy mustard, figs, and mint! There were tons of options and I hope everyone had enough and fun!

It was a truly unforgettable day and it was fantastic. I never thought I would meet such lovely friends and people in Munich, I never even thought I would get married in Germany. So all of this has been special and unexpected.

Is there a different spelling of that word that the computer recognizes? I don’t even understand why it doesn’t come up, is this just my problem?

I want to try to take more photos of what I’m doing. I look at people’s profiles and what not, and see photos of special goofy moments, and think this is what I want to look back upon. I want to see all these special, goofy, ordinary moments. I want them for myself, not for a profile or a status, but for me to reflect upon when I’m older. I want to have my memories, but I don’t know how realistic that is. My memory is pretty awful, so I want photos to be there.

Tomorrow/the weekend, is my bacherlorette weekend. I’m not entirely sure what is happening anymore, things were taken away from me. So I only have a general gist of what is going on. I don’t mind, since I have more than enough to do that I have to focus upon. So we shall see what this is all about. I hope to have lots of photos and memories!

I’ve loved looking back at the wedding photos and they are so beautiful. So we will see what this weekend has in store!

Now I’m back to work for this week.

This week shall encompass cleaning, book work, and this blog work! I need to get back in the swing of things having such a break (was it really a break?) last month. And I have to get almost a month worth of work done this week so next month can be more of a break.

You know, when I actually get married.

And have this bachelorette party, and show my parents around.

Nothing big, you know.

So in the future investment of sanity, I shall push myself to do mucho work this week! Or shall I say viel Arbeit? Don’t even have time to worry about grammatical mistakes.

On my list is, optomistically, to write a month worth of blog posts, read about five books. And a whole book today.

Yay.