Author: Liljumper

I wonder if people just want to leave behind a mark or something of themselves for the future. I wonder if people want to just have been part of something, something larger than themselves, a bit of history in the making.

Maybe we all just want to leave a mark. I kind of already thought that that is what we want, to make a mark, an impression, a marker that we were there, that the world saw us. It’s like a recognition of our life, our work, our hours on this Earth. A small ripple our life left behind, left for all of time, faint, but unmistakably there. Almost like a little part of our self remains long after we are gone, an impression of our hand in the sand.

We all did that, didn’t we? Make footprints in the sand and watch as the ocean washed them away. That is the impermanence of life, but don’t we all kind of want there to be a remnant of our presence? A sign that we were there?

That’s kind of why I love used books, to me, you can’t read a book without leaving some sort of sign: the way you mark a page, the way you bent the book when it lay in your bag, the way the edges are worn from the shelf, or the smell your perfume left when it leaked a little. We leave parts of ourselves behind in our books, our marks, our tear stains. And that’s what I love about used books.

There are so many different ways this title can be taken. It can be never settling on a person, on a job, on a life, or on oneself.

For me, it’s a general not settling.

I definitely agree don’t settle on someone. If I can’t see myself with someone in the future, the effort and heart isn’t worth it. I am a long term person, I want to cultivate relationships for time. I don’t do short term, short term relationships, short term friends. I want to be the type of person people think, ” we’ve been friends for so long and will be for more”.

I haven’t settle on a job. I love to learn. I think that’s one of my first loves and I haven’t given up on it. While I may not know what I’m doing at all in the future, I know that it’s not worth it to settle. Life is too short to do something I don’t love or doesn’t make me happy. We only have our one life and while we can do a lot of good, it’s uniquely ours.

I have tried to do what I felt in my heart was the right thing, even if it wasn’t the east choice.

What I have the most problem with is accepting, well maybe it can’t be any better and I should just settle. Whether it be, these pants fit okay, so let’s try it. That’s what inspired this story. I found three pairs of pants that were 70 percent what I was looking for, and I thought, “maybe it doesn’t get better than that” and I bought them. But then I just found two pairs, less expensive, which were 100 percent what I wanted and was looking for. And now I have five pairs of pants, three which are now dwarfed by the coolness of my two that fit like a dream. And now I sit wondering, “what do I do with them now?”So, I guess, if it’s not what I want, don’t do it. There will be exceptions I’m sure, but for sure with clothing if it’s not what I want, a million people make clothes, so go find what you want.

I know the perfect fit when I find it.

I feel like there are all these things around me cluttering me. I don’t know how much of this is metaphorical or realistic, but I feel like I am surrounded by clutter. It feels almost as if I’m walking around pushing around little fogs bubbles.

It’s really inspired me to start clearing things out, moving things, and getting rid of things.

I don’t need all of these things, whether it be face washes, boxes, or regret. There’s just too much. It’s like I want to do all these things, but I can’t get through the mess to it. It’s not inspiring and it makes doing things more difficult.

But it’s about walking through and decluttering in order to move forward. Because we surround ourselves with things, and in the end, they just exist for so long, whether it to be until they get used up, or until we get used up. What is left of us will be our stuff. I don’t want to be saddled down or saddle anyone else down. When I go, I want the things behind to reflect me, in my true essential self, not a lot of things that don’t accurately reflect me. If I don’t love it, don’t want it. I want to surround myself with things that enrich my life.

I watched a youtuber who talked about writing everyday what she was grateful for and I felt pretty inspired.

I used to try to keep a journal, but I could never get into the hang of it. Sometimes I would love it and write pages, and other times I didn’t want to see it. I guess this is now a part of my life and like a journal, but it’s something I can write a few posts and then come back to it in a week. There is no consistent daily writing process. It used to be like that, but I really need to write when I’m inspired. So, in short, this isn’t really a daily journal.

But everyday, no matter what, she writes what she is grateful for, big or small and she said that it has taught her to see the silver lining.

Now I think I can be pretty pessimistic sometimes and it takes me a really long time to see any silver lining. I can be obsessive, paranoid, and pessimistic. I usually assume the worst and it takes me a while to get out of that mode. But I would like to change that.

I want to be able to see the silver lining and to, more importantly, maintain a sense of perspective. Because I think that’s all about the ‘find a silver lining’ thing. It’s the idea that it’s bigger than we are and that there is a larger picture. Not everything is bad, and, as she states, sometimes it’s just as simple as being grateful to have a computer.

I can’t say I will write everyday, but I want to try. It would be nice to prove to myself I can make a commitment like this and change a routine, a symbolic sign I can change and commit to my words. And who knows, maybe it will make me more grateful as well. I hope so.

Gratitude is such a warm emotion. And I would like to be more warm.

When I feel guilty, especially in arguments, I tend to blame other people, usually the other person. It seems to be a default of mine. I know it’s the easy road out and it doesn’t actually solve anything. But I do it. I’m human. I hate that I do, and I’m trying not to, but I do.

I don’t want to.

It’s easy to say that, but I think, in general, I need to get better about accepting my own mistakes. People make them, I do all the time and I need to get better about accepting mine and other people’s.

This is a pretty big thing to ask and to do, but who really benefits from blame? I don’t feel better when I blame someone, especially if it’s because I feel guilty. And even if I did, what does that do? Does it solve the problem? I can’t think of a time when blame has been productive. There’s a difference to accepting and acknowledging mistakes, I think that’s a smart thing to do, but blaming, I don’t think so.

It’s pretty hard because a lot of time we blame others because we can’t face something in ourselves, or our own mistakes.

I’m especially bad at this. I hate making mistakes and when I do, it makes me upset and I hate to acknowledge them. But, as one of my high school professors taught me, it’s a learning experience. They are, but oh boy do I hate to have them.

But I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past and some that have lead me to be the person I am today and I must pay homage to that. Who knows, I can look back to one day to these and think, if I hadn’t made that mistake then [insert something positive].

So from now on all I can say is I’ll try.

That all I can ever do really.

I’m about to leave the US now, but I want to reflect on something I had this break.

My mom and I hosted a women’s lunch. It was lovely and terrific, not only to see old friends, but to be surrounded by accomplished, smart, and wonderful women I have grown up besides. They’ve seen me through everything and been with me for years.

That’s who I want to be friends with, that’s the kind of community I want to build.

We don’t host much at my house, I do a bunch in Munich, but that’s the type of thing I want. I want to implement that when I go back to Munich, maybe a weekend women’s lunch.

I like being surrounded by a community of women. It’s lovely to have any community, but there’s something intoxicating about women. I can relate to them on a level, we talk about things that bounce around in my head and it’s great when there’s that moment where I can say, me too!

I want to have friends when I’m older where I’ve known for years and we get together to have lunches and to reminisce. I want to say, how is that person doing now. I want to talk about the things I’ve collected and my children. I want them to grow up in the same community I did, with the wonderful influences I did.

That lunch really made me very happy and I appreciated it so much.

I was asked recently, if you found out you had only one more year to live, what would you change about the way you were living. And the first thing I thought was, I would do more.

I would do more German, I would travel, I would spend more time with my friends, I would skype more, I would just do more.

I would do yoga, I would do push ups. I would do more.

There are so many minutes of my day I sit around, but I would use them.

I know it may be idealistic to say, I’d change everything, but when I was sitting at home, I would do yoga, or I would practice German.

I would make macaroons again.

I would just do more and more and more.

I want to be that person who people look at and say, wow. I want to be that person, where people say, oh her? She’s doing [insert blank]. I want to be known for my actions. I want to have thoughts and then act on them. I want to be the person I want to be in my dreams. There’s no reason to wait, to stop, to say I don’t have the time. I want to use the time. I want to make time. I want to invest the time in a better me, into the best me I can.

I really want to take this idea into the New Year. This year I want to do more.

This kind of piggy backs on some of my earlier posts, but in my last relationship I never felt enough.

I was never pretty enough, good enough, talented enough, smart enough, funny enough, cool enough. Never ever enough of anything. I was called chubby, that I didn’t sing well, that I was too clingy, anything and lots of everything.

I’ve tried to rewind myself and stop thinking a lot of these things about myself, but it’s hard. Five years of my life, I just felt pretty lousy and I let that fuel me into being mistreated and not thinking clearly.

I’m at a different state in my life, but I did still kind of feel a bit of this sentiment.

No I didn’t feel that fat, and I felt like my singing was nice. I felt I was pretty witty and dry kind of funny in a way my dad gets perfectly, but strangers think I’m serious. I now acknowledge, in a not arrogant way, how intelligent I am. And cool? I think I’m pretty cool. I mean I have a blog now, isn’t that supposed to be trendy?

But what really haunted me about my last relationship was, why aren’t I enough? And what left me afterwards, was that somehow it ending was a confirmation of that fact. That it did end, so I wasn’t enough. It somehow made that feel even realer to me.

Now I know that it never would have worked out, but on nights where I feel pretty lousy about myself for many reasons whether they be an assignment, stress, or my skin, it seems to come back and haunt me. It kind of sits on my shoulder and reminds me, well maybe you aren’t. It’s like that inner voice that whispers into your ear all the things you fear when you’re alone at night.

I’m not really sure how to make it shut up for good.

But this didn’t start with my ex. I think I used to just feel not enough. I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough for lots of people to like me, I wasn’t funny enough to be cool. I wasn’t relaxed enough to be perceived as not nerdy. It was a million things all resulting in me not being enough.

And I’m trying really hard to change it.

I take a lot of pictures of myself, a ton. And I take them mostly of me, whether it be funny or silly or me with my face. I do. And a lot of people think they’re narcissistic. Well, no one sees them, but that’s what that inner voice keeps telling me.

But for me, they’re a way to tell my inner self, I see you. I think you’re pretty, I think you’re funny, I think you’re goofy. I see you, and I like it enough to take a picture. I think you look fabulous, I think you look cooky, I think you look like you. What I see, I like.

It may seem silly now that selfies are a thing and what not. But no one else sees them, only me. It’s something that’s only for me, and a way for me to acknowledge myself and to truly see me.

Chinese New Year just passed and I thought I would take the time to reflect on what I’ve done since the non-lunar new years. Ultimately, I’m still working on my goals, and there’s nothing wrong with them.

I recognize it takes time to change and it takes time to form new habits and change mindsets. That’s something I learned with my monthly goals, were that some of them weren’t that viable. I learned that it takes 21 days for a new habit to take hold, which probably explains why I’ve totally fallen down on almost every weekly goal I had…But I won’t let that get me down.

I thought I would use this time to make some goals I’ve been recently thinking about.

Goals for this new (lunar or not) year:

I would like to find a part time job teaching English. I feel I could be good at this and I want to find a job that I could do well, not just some mindless job. Obviously, if I still can’t find one, perhaps this would change.

Receive my TEFL certification. I just gotta get into gear for this one, it’ll take time and work and I will start in March.

I want to do more research on grad schools, look at the programs and see what they’ve published and find some recommendations. I want to get a better sense if further graduate school is for me.

Additionally, I want to decide if I want to take the GRE, the grad school entrance exam.

I want to become way better at German. This will really be good when I can go back to Munich and start speaking more German.

That’s it. I think they’re pretty good, pretty manageable. I feel good about them. It’s where a lot of my stress comes from now, and if I can get them resolved in this year, that would be great. So we’ll see how this goes!

Guilt is a crazy monster. It’s consuming and it can make you act in all sorts of ways.

When I was younger, I didn’t come to terms with my own guilt and instead it made me act angrily at other people.

It still happens occasionally that when I feel guilty, I act out angrily towards other people. It’s just one of those matters of projection. I wish I could say it doesn’t happen now and that I deal well with my guilt, but that’s not always true. Sometimes it’s better to just feel sad and upset about my guilt and not take it out on other people.

In comparison, I think that’s a lot better, there’s no need to hurt or get angry at others for my own guilt.

It’s something I hope to be a lot better at in the future.

I suppose it’s always best to just deal with the guilt and try to resolve or make peace with it. But as we all know, that’s quite difficult to do. I’m sure many people have been hurt or angry and taken it out on other people. If we were all perfect people we wouldn’t do that, but we’re not. I’m certainly not, but would like to be better!