Author: Liljumper

I cannot even believe it’s been one year since the shooting in Munich. It didn’t really occur to us that it was happening until we walked by the train stop. I knew it would happen this summer, but I didn’t remember the exact day, a privilege only those who did not lose loved ones that day feel.

It seems like it’s been so long and so many things have happened. I’ve gotten married, gone on a honeymoon, got an internship. My life, still here, has changed in so many unseeable ways. I feel so different than a year ago, older, and more weathered. In some ways the feelings of sadness has brought me back to how I was when I first moved here, but it’s hard to forget all I’ve done since then.

I still remember the day. Not every detail, but most of them – the fear, the uncertainty, the anticipation. I remember the next day on the train. And I relive just a fraction, that same hitch of breath, the waiting pause, every time I heard loud noises like that. Just the other night a band in the park was playing and might have released confetti or fireworks and it brought me right back. There was silence afterwards, and J and I were both worried.

It’s in these subtle changes, the heightened sense of self when I walk through the mall, where I feel the effect of the days in between. The strain of fear, turning down my music and hurrying to where I need to go.

I know we have it so good. We were so close to being there. But it still makes me remember all that’s changed.

Well I made plans to visit home, so that helps by giving me a little rock to tether this out of control ship to. It gives me some goals, a milestone. And clear goals. One of the problems was that, for my blog, I had too many vague goals. I kept pushing them back, because success was the goal. So it was never enough work, never enough time.

It got to the point where I was trying to squeeze every minute out of my day for productivity. I was, and somewhat am recovering from, a very bad mental state. I was constantly irritable, sad under the surface, and more.

Something that has really helped is meditation, forcing myself to play, and walking outside with an audiobook. That way it manages the constant guilt I have when I take time away from work, and it still gets me out of the house and moving.

I want to work into my life, flossing regularly, and exercising. Pilates and yoga in the morning. My ideal day would be not working until I’ve had breakfast. Then working until just before lunch when I work out, shower, and eat lunch. Then I would go on a walk with my audiobook, come hope and work until dinner time. Then after dinner would be all play time.

It’s an ideal dream…I am aware. And I’m way off base for it. My sleeping schedule has gone all sorts of weird and I am someone who needs a lot of sleep and regularly. When I am jetlagged I actually get the best sleep.

So that’s just some of the ideas I have for my life.

Sorry for the lack of posts, I’ve been going through a rough patch here. Not only have I been swamped with work, I’ve realized that the work was merely a coping mechanism so I didn’t have to deal with my depression and uncertainty about the future.

So now I’m taking a mental health kick where I’m meditating more, taking my vitamins, sleeping better, and what not. It’s been a while coming, and this whole thing  has taken me months, but I hope to be back to tip top shape before the end of the year.

Only when I’m feeling better as a human can I begin to contemplate the future without breaking down into a puddle. So yeah. That’s where I’ve been.

You know you’ve found the right partner when…He carries you crying through a swamp that you refuse to cross because you’re too afraid.

But let me back track a little. Here’s a quick honeymoon teaser story that I felt worked perfectly for this blog.

I was taken on a walk. Yes it sounds like I am a dog, but I didn’t really wanna go. I was beyond tired and just wanted to relax in our beautiful B and B. It was truly comfy. But the Partner wanted to do some little walk of our day since we spent it driving up Scotland. So he found a walk that was supposed to be marked, just not a ton. Upon arriving where we wanted to start, there was no path to be found. This was frustrating enough, but then it started to rain. Convinced that where it ended we would both find the path and it would stop raining, we embarked.

Finding the end was very easy. It as extremely well marked and not raining. So true points for being right. However, it was very buggy, it was wet, so flies, midges everything was attending the party. A very angry and tired me was barreling through. I thought if I am practically running, the insects won’t get me. I was wrong. I’m almost running through the swamp fueled on anger alone when we exit into a reserve. It is mostly marshy and if Scotland didn’t have a drought, it would be a bog/marsh. But it’s mostly dry.

It is impossible to see where to go so we cut straight across, trying to reach higher ground. This involves bumpy terrain that you can’t see because of the thick tall grass. Additionally there are little spiny bushes I cannot step over, so need to step straight on. The constant crack is annoying, but becomes downright paranoia when I’m taken back to the scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Sam are also walking through a swamp, except they have dead Elves and people under the water.

Now the crunches sound like bones to me and the marsh footing makes me sure I am going to step on a dead person, or be pulled down by some bones spurting from the ground. Gazelling my way through, I emerge on the other end, thoroughly scared, frustrated, and angry. No path still in sight.

I refuse to go back over it. It begins to rain. My plan is to walk to the beginning, alone, and he can go back and pick me up. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to separate and keeps insisting that we’re on our honeymoon or something absurd like that and he wants to be with me.

This throws me into a tailspin, and I am screaming crying now saying I will not walk over the dead people again. (I get scared very easily very fast, just last night I was scared that someone was in our apartment and I froze and couldn’t move and then cried a lot). The whole time I am saying I don’t like him, I can’t believe I’m here, how could he bring us somewhere with no path, the works.

I am a true animal when I’m mad. So his bright idea is now to carry me on his back through the swamp again. This doesn’t brighten my day.

I can be a child.

So he’s carrying me, somewhat kicking, but definitely screaming. And the whole time he never yells, never leaves me alone in this swamp. He carries me as I cry, yell, and scream higher than I’ve ever done before. Not louder, because I can still go louder.

And then we make it back to the car. My face is covered in snot, I’ve cried my eyes out, and I look a mess. Somewhere through the carrying, I’m now convinced he doesn’t love me anymore and will now leave me. Spoiler, he doesn’t.

To cut a long story short: I picked the right partner to love, to spend my life with, and to carry me through a swamp.

(My arm muscles were sore the next day from my workout holding myself on his back. Apparently his legs were more sore. I disagree)

Earlier this week we got back from our honeymoon trip. It was a whirlwind of activity, memories, and new experiences. I don’t want to spoil too much because the bulk of our travel diaries will be posted on the wedding website. A teaser might be too much to handle as well, so I’ll just keep it quiet.

Just know I am, everyday, trying to write three days of memories and getting these travel diaries posts ready for you as soon as I can. If you want to be kept in the loop, and aren’t for some reason, email me and let me know or comment. All comments go under moderation so if you are worried, I won’t approve the comment and only I will see it.

What have you been up to? I hope only nice things!

Sorry for being absent most of this week. I wanted to catch up last weekend, but it proved to be more eventful than I thought. This week was busy trying to get a load of work done, one book per day and tons of other things to do.

Yesterday I had a small fever as well, so I took a nap, which didn’t help my productivity, but I’m trying to keep my stress levels down.

Can you believe we depart in less than a week for the honeymoon?? I can’t. I know the days are getting closer, my calendar tells me so, but I don’t feel like it.

This weekend we will pack.

Anyway, sorry for dropping the ball. I doubt there will be posts from me on the blog until I get back from the honeymoon, I hope you can understand. If I get a writing spurt until we leave, I’ll schedule them. So who knows!

If we don’t talk until then, I wish you all warm wishes and send you all hugs.

I feel as if I’ve grown more critical of books. Maybe it’s because I’ve become more popular and am overwhelmed with books, but I look at them with more demands now.

I want good characters, a great plot, and a vivid world. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

I hate books that waste my time, that aren’t edited, aren’t thought out, because I could use my reading time on a different book that’s worth more to me. I want to spend my life reading gorgeous, amazing, books.

But maybe that’s how I approach my whole life now. That I want things to have more value. I have less patience for things that I don’t like because I’m more aware of my tastes and my limited lifespan.

Perhaps, then again it just got kind of dark.

I’ve been applying for a few internships I found last week, but that’s a long shot. So is a position I applied for last week. It’s more about getting experience writing cover letters and what not. These jobs all being in the US at the moment.

I will get on the German search too, it just requires a whole lot more. To be registered as searching, to make a German CV (yes it’s different..) and a German coverletter. All things I cannot add to my plate before my honeymoon.

So until then it’s more English based, but we will see what comes from it. That’s really all. I guess I’m waiting for a sign from the universe that will tell me what to do, where to go, and, in general, where my life is going from now on. That’d be nice. UNIVERSE, LET’S GET GOING SHALL WE?!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my ‘ideals’. My ideal job, house, living, life. It’s just so overwhelming, I only really focus on getting through the next day without collapsing.

But you know, once I find my inner peace yogi, I’m sure these things just come to you, right?

At least that’s the idea, right?

Sorry there was no new post last week, Weds and Friday. The whole week just kind of got away from me. I had a lot of social engagements, a doctor appointment, and I am back to reading one book a day.

I have to read a book if I want to finish all my book reviews before the Honeymoon. As you can imagine, that’s a lot of work. In fact Mister Man, my new nickname, said I’m probably the only Millenial who can accurately say “I’m so overworked and stressed” even though they don’t have a job at the moment. I read a book a day, write a review, and do other blog stuff to get it ready for my departure.

I do love the work, so I don’t want to complain, but that’s why I was sort of silent last week. I’ll try to do better at managing the blog and my life, I promise.

I just made commitments to authors and publishing houses, self-made commitments of course. But I’ll update you on the job search next!

Oh you elusive spirit. The future. Where does it go and how do I get there? There are so many choices, which is a plus, but it is overwhelming and anxiety provoking. I find myself at a low constant level of anxiety over it and I think I need to give it some space for me to breathe a little and work through it.

Because the more I try to speculate and piece things together, the less settled and safe I feel. I don’t know where my path will take me and it’s making me slightly, well no, majorly unsettled. Even just thinking of it for this post makes me worry.

I can’t take things one day at a time because there are real things that need to be thought about. But I do take things one challenge, one hurdle, at a time.

I just hope as I get back on track I can get a real handle on this anxiousness and begin to give myself the freedom and energy to think things through.