Liljumper’s Adventures

I hear a lot of people reminiscing on their childhood memories. When they used to stay out late, or do that thing, see life that way. Yet it’s not these specific experiences that they miss, but an attitude towards life. A time when they were less jaded, more trustful, less aware of their mortality, more open to new experiences. They view this attitude as unclaimable, lost forever to cynicism, suspicion and fear. And perhaps in some ways that’s true, we cannot forget the sting of betrayal, or the experience of mortality. They give us perspective on the truths of life that it is fleeting and that we must make the most of our time. The transition from childhood to adulthood is a journey of experience of learning and of pain. Pain either because of an experience or because of saying goodbye to that very childhood mentality. As with all growing and change, we need to experience a little pain to grow.

I would say that this attitude is not lost forever. We can be more trustful, less jaded, and more open to new experiences. We can look at mortality with acceptance instead of fear. Knowing all will end is not an excuse to put off the inevitable but a call to action, not to fight, but to experience life for what it is. The knowledge that survival isn’t enough. Trying to make the most of the seconds we have as they tick onwards. We can be more trustful, more forgiving, more compassionate, we can find it in our hearts to not let bitter experiences sour our lives. To try new things, to go outside of our comfort zone. We can gain back what we really miss, which is not to go out late, but to live in the present and we can bring something new to each moment: the knowledge that we should treasure these moments.

Today I will get back on track for my thesis. Last week I had to do a lot of nursing (cutting food, opening bottles, etc) and taking care of the majority of the home tasks, not to mention extensive planning for the fall. So this week, which is a week behind my schedule, I will get back on track in terms of writing the thesis. I did some more background research on the weekend, but I need to make headway with writing and add in my secondary sources. But I think I really needed this time to get my head together and write an outline (and do some more research). So while I felt guilty about not doing the work, I am back and ready to go!

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of this blog. Wow, two years is such a long time and yet it seems like it has been so fast! I love that I have this blog as a memento about what has happened in my life, I only wish I had started sooner, maybe kept a journal, but it only inspires me to keep going, knowing that it pays off, it is important and wonderful to document my life and experiences. My life is so different now and it’s almost totally mindblowing where I am and who I am now. So I suppose we will see what will happen in the next year!

Now that I am really getting into speed with my book reviews, I am having a hard time focusing on my thesis. I am so passionate about reading these other books, to challenge myself, but also to share my opinions. I love it. So perhaps this gives me a bit of clarity about what I want to do. I still really enjoy working on my thesis when I do, but the things I can do forever is plan my reviews and what not. I am now involved in a few different sites where publishers invite bloggers to read the book and review it before it is released, how cool is that! I have about four books on my shelf as of now for this, 2 of which I have already read and 2 I have not. I have even already written the reviews for the other two that are ready to go. I know this may not present itself as a viable career option or not, but it does make me happy and I like it a lot, so that’s something. Plus I’m beginning to be more involved in other types of literature, historical and normal fiction. So even if science fiction isn’t your thing, I really think you might find some reviews you would like on my blog. I have a list of about 4 books on my immediate to read pile and that I’ve planned out in my planner when to read them and review them. It just takes some organization and determination. So I hope this really does well!

There has been just so much world chaos. I try to check into the news and what not, but it just feels like things are slipping away. Information overload as news stories are changed and updated every moment and the influx of information. You never would have known about this before, but we’re all plugged in and globalized and everything comes up now. So many more things effect us now, we can’t just be removed or not present. The things that are happening over the world are important to us now. It all just feels a bit overwhelming and distracting as I work. Sometimes it feels like I just need to not know to work, and then sometimes it makes me think there are thousands of things more important than my work.

There is more uncertainty and fluctuation in my own life. I frequently worry about things before bedtime and destressing before bed takes longer and longer. Maybe the outside world turning chaotic, seems to stress me more because it seems my inner world is more chaotic. This thesis holds my life together, gives me something, lots of things, to do each day. So that glues my moments and keeps me moving forwards, but I don’t think anything can fully distract me away from the uncertainty and anxiety for the future both of myself and the world.

Things have changed so much since I was younger it doesn’t even seem like the world is anything like what I used to know. And it’s not. It shouldn’t be. But it just reminds me of how fast change happens, how small moments seem to be, until they’re not. I try not to think about the things that bother me too much because it just distracts me for days. So I have to keep focused and in the moment, even when every next moment brings me further towards things I dare not dwell upon.

I can’t believe it’s July fourth again, it feels like just last year it was July Fourth. The weather has been heating up, although sometimes it’s perfectly lovely. I hope it doesn’t get too much hotter since thesis writing weather is NOT summer.

July 4th brings me back to America and with America all the politics and chaos around the world. I feel removed from my home and look at it almost as if through water. It has a unreal film over it, and sometimes where I am has that too.

Anyways, all of you, I hope you have a very happy and colorful July Fourth. I do miss fireworks a lot, seeing them from afar. I also love when parties are themed, so red white and blue with stars and what not is always a nice color scheme. As for me, the real celebration starts when I finish this thesis, the writing should be done by the end of this month. Hopefully sooner. I did a large draft of editing today and should implement those tomorrow and then next week begin another phase of writing.

So life is moving, feeling a bit slow, but steadily moving onwards.

I never wanted to go to summer camps when I was a kid. Do I now? Not really. The concept of summer camp never really appealed to me, it seemed I could do a lot of the same summer camp activities at home, sleep in my own bed, and eat the same food I like. Summer camp seemed like an escape, which at some points I did want, but I never wanted to go far.

I’ve always been a home body. I enjoy my home, a creature of comfort. Why go these places when I could be here? I know some people who have loved camp and enjoyed it. But it never was something I liked.

I enjoy my own bed. But I guess that my childhood and home never were too bad for me that I wanted to escape that far. Being away from home turned out to be stressful and not relaxing. There’s a difference between a vacation or a holiday and camp.

I have no idea why I never really went to camp. A lot of my close friends in school didn’t as well, so I had people to hang out with during the summer. That might be another reason why, because I didn’t have to spend that time alone.

But also, what would I do at a camp? Is there a sleep away reading camp? The concept of swimming is not appealing to me, I wouldn’t have gone to a sports camp either. What about an outdoor camp? I wouldn’t have either since I don’t really camp.

I like to discuss things, isn’t that a job of an academic? To discuss the abstract the theoretical to debate. But what I dislike, or what grates me is the addition of judgment to the mix. I think everyone should be entitled to their own opinions, whatever they may be, but then when someone passes judgement on someone else, that’s my line.

We need to be able to respect others opinions, when they are wrong or different. I know I’m not perfect, I am far from it and I can be also quite judgmental. But I would like to facilitate a conversation in which people are allowed their opinions and the space to challenge them. I don’t want it to turn into a conversation of hurling insults. We want to be better human beings, and how will we do it if we are always judged? We need to feel like we have space to grow, space to make mistakes, to say things wrong, to have the wrong opinions and the wisdom to change.

Even if I am not the perfect example, it’s good to strive for something.

I have recently realized a technique I have employed in my life to deal with my fear of disappointment and rejection (don’t we all have some of that?). Well I am so scared of these that I talk myself out of wanting it, I convince myself I don’t want it. I am so good at it, I don’t even usually realize I’m doing, except now since I’m more aware I do.

I convince myself, I didn’t want this, or I didn’t want this opportunity. It’s a coping mechanism to get myself out of situations where I would be disappointed. I don’t want the fancy dress for prom I am happy with the one I found. Things like that. I don’t have regrets or things I wish I would have done. But now I’ve started to know more about this.

It is tricky because I wanted to start thinking about what I do want for my life, in terms of career, place to live, etc. And then I go and realize that even things I’ve thought I have wanted, I didn’t really, I just talked myself into doing it. So pretty bad place to start in terms of trying to figure out what I do want.

What do I do about it? I am not sure, well for starters I shouldn’t do it anymore. I need to be be braver, to try and challenge. I need to look the fear in the eye and do it anyway, to strive towards a goal. It’s important to have desires and ambitions. I want to achieve things, not only things, but things I want. I need to grow up and realize that things I have thought about my life is actually wrong. The opposite of success is not failure and there are many paths to success.

Rejection is not failure, it’s a part of life and it’s actually part of the success process.

I’ve recently been brushing up on my French. I want to go to Paris, but also around to some other sites in France before the end of the year, maybe in August. So I’ve been doing Duolingo for the French. It’s been going well, I could be doing many more units a day, and when I have time I do some more units than normal. But it’s good for a little brain exercise and it’s bringing back more French. I took French from 7th grade, I think, to twelve, so for six years and while I never was fluent. I did pretty well. So it’s been a little bit of niceness each day to do some French and practice it. Duolingo isn’t the best for free speaking, so speaking French may be something else, but reading it is at least a good skill, plus I am thinking about getting a French grammar book so I can speak it. Duolingo doesn’t really teach you any grammar rules or concepts, so I think that would be great!

As for German, I’m also doing Duolingo for German and should, in July, add in some grammar exercises as July is my target for the bulk of my thesis being completed, or at least written. After that it’ll be other chapters to complete and then edits and adding and what not. For June I wanted to focus on the bulk of pure writing, plus I can more easily edit than add.

So all in all on the language front I feel pretty good about it!