Skye

I have been recently watching a television show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and really been liking it. It doesn’t hurt that it’s up my alley in terms of content with three super cool female characters.

One of these happens to be named Skye, an Asian female who is (not determined yet really, but supposed) an orphan. There’s a lot of drama in the show, but one of the sub plots involves her trying to find out where she came from and her background.

I’ve talked a bit about my own thoughts on this process already here, but she finds out that a whole village and team of agents died to protect her. What her superior officer experts her to take from this is a total world shattering moment where she is confronted with death and destruction which would end her search. But what she takes from it is that she was wanted.

That moment just hit me in the feels and resonated with me. Because I think about that a lot myself.

A lot of the time I just wish I could have answered that question without a doubt, no speculation, just a simple answer.

I can speculate and guess, but it doesn’t answer the question and at dusk the ghosts still linger.

I guess I would take the same from the situation as Skye, because of all the emotional and scars that linger from it, not feeling wanted or good enough are the biggest two.

And when I’ve made mistakes and what not, those are my biggest fears that I won’t be wanted or that I’m not good enough. For the most part I’ve worked through a lot of these feelings, being surrounded by people who love me no matter how dumb I can be sometimes, and really investing time and money into defining my own self worth, to appreciate who I am and feel good enough.

But it definitely didn’t used to be this way, in my old relationship I let the idea of not being wanted keep me there, a fear of not being wanted or being alone (although there are some differences between them). I endured pretty stupid things, just so I could feel like I was wanted to some degree, although I, as I am, truly never was.

Another thing related to this was the feeling that I, in my old relationship, never felt good enough, because it would always end and I felt it had to have been me. Now I know it was never me, but I didn’t at the time.

I longed to be the one who would walk away, to be the one who dropped it, but it didn’t even happen until the end. And that haunted me for a while. I felt that in order to be over the relationship I would have to find some closure in that way, to be the one to say it was over, but I’ve moved past that now.

It’s over, I have closure in my own way, and have moved past that superficial feeling. Not leaving wasn’t all weakness, it was a sign of my spirit to never give up on people, to believe in their power to change (even when they don’t). I’m smarter now, to realize when people don’t want to change, and when I need to walk away now, but my not being the one to end the relationship is not all a moment of weakness.

It’s a complex moment, but it’s almost like a rising from the ashes where I have found out the characteristics that truly define me and the ones I need to explore.