Hair Dilemma

I have said that I wanted to cut my hair after the wedding. It was becoming physically painful for it to be in a ponytail and a bun. Even after a few hours my scalp would hurt, almost feeling like it was slowly being pulled out.

I discussed this choice with a lot of people who suggested I should 1) keep it long because longer hair is nice and 2) I should donate it. Now these two suggestions have left me with some of a dilemma.

I do love my long hair, and it took me four years to grow it out this long, but it’s so long. It’s almost down to the middle of my stomach. It takes a long time to brush, and dry since I don’t use a hair dryer. It takes a long time to do stuff with. I cut it after I came back from Germany almost five years ago when I decided to be here and so it recognizes a huge change in my life. I heard stories about how when people want a change, or have made a large change, they cut their hair. And that’s been so true for me. Hair has been a way I have been able to drastically cut ties and change how I felt.

However, if I want to donate it, I have to donate quite a lot, the majority. Almost a foot or 25cm. This brings me to above my shoulders, not as drastic as I thought it was going to be originally, but still a huge change. I change my mind daily almost and it’s a really tough call for me.

There’s a part of me that is holding on to this hair, this length and there’s a huge part of me that is feeling the pressure to donate it all. It feels like if I want to cut I might as well donate. But that’s what I’ve always done, in fact the last time I cut it I also donated it. So there’s pressure both ways.

I feel if I don’t cut it, I’ve succumbed to the idea that longer hair is prettier and if I do and donate it I’ve succumbed to the idea that I have to donate it if I am going to cut it. Like I’m selfish if I don’t.

I don’t know what to do. There’s no denying the physical pain of it. Now that it’s trimmed, just a few inches less, the pain is substantially less.

I almost feel like if I’m holding on to this hair so much, I should just let it go, should cut it off. To see what is behind what I am hiding. But at the same time it is a security blanket, an identity I have had and do have now.

I don’t know what to do honestly and the decision is weighing down on me. I decide one way, to only cut 5 or 6 inches off and think wow, but then the guilt gets to me and then I say cut it all off. Or then I mediate and say I’ll wait a few more months and cut it off when it’s below my shoulders post donation.

There’s so much uncertainty and doubt and anxiety in my life that this hair has become an anchor. Something certain, something I know is true about me. I don’t know if I can let it go, or if I can have the courage to cut it.

It’s not even just the symbolism, I like to braid my hair and I can’t when it’s shorter, I love to put it up into buns and experiment. Also my hair starts to flip out when it’s short and I look like a weird curved human head.

I don’t know yet what to do, but whatever I decide, I’m sure there will be a post about it.