Month: March 2016

I learned in school that it is hard to care about someone when they don’t care about themselves. It’s draining and hurtful because you spend nights and hours thinking about ways to help, ways you think would really help if they were just given a chance, but they never come to light. They flare up, a moment on the radar, only to be thrown aside.

Maybe it’s the reason I have a hard time with relationships in the sense that I don’t seem to have a middle button, only on and off. Only caring and bending backwards to offer help, and then nothing (because caring hurts too much). Maybe it’s also just my personality, my intensity, my difficulty in being patient.

Whatever it is, it’s resulted in where I am today. A person who finds it hard just to care a little bit, who throws herself whole heartedly into the middle or benches herself on the sidelines.

So when I have fought tooth and nail to try to get someone to care about themselves, and they don’t seem to be, it’s hard for me to let go and respect their decision. Because if you don’t care about yourself or your health, who will? I believe in being your number one supporter. I know it’s terribly hard, because you can also be your number one enemy (which I know). But I think that is what makes being your number one supporter more important. We go through life with one constant, ourselves. And if we don’t support ourselves, who can we count on to support us? I know we have parents, friends, loved ones, but, to a degree, they can be fleeting or temporary. Shooting stars across the night sky. But at the end of every night, we are always with ourselves.

Maybe I believe so much in this because I used to be much more involved with myself when I was younger, much more appreciative and affirmative of my own self love. And then it seems as if time has allowed me to be more critical more negative towards myself. Yes I have gotten more responsibility and pressure, but there should be a flicker somewhere deep inside of that self affirming girl.

And now that I am aware I have been spending so much time digging deeper, saving that girl from being lost, pressured into some self-deprecating person who relies on outside affirmation. Because I want to cultivate that relationship, to be one of my best friends, to know I believe in myself above all.

At the end of the day when I lay down on my pillow, I want to be happy with the person I share it with every night.

I don’t have perfect vision, it’s far from it and I basically need glasses to function. To be able to drive, to be able to read. Yes perhaps if I blew up the font I wouldn’t, and I could get around okay with a lot of time to adapt if I lost my glasses. But I basically need glasses to maintain my current standard of life.

For some reason, I have always wondered what would happen if I went blind. Maybe certain events in my life have made me consider this more than others. I went to a Dialogue in the Dark in Vienna (which was fantastic and it stimulates complete blindness in a variety of atmospheres), I recently found a blind Youtuber which I have been watching, and now I’m reading a book about people who have suddenly been struck blind.

So blindness has been on the mind. Because of that, I really wonder about the differences in my life if I were blind. The Youtuber I was watching did a whole blog post about how she does her makeup being blind and it really inspired me. There are a lot of ways to adapt and find a new way of doing things. It has inspired me to explore it a bit in my own life.

The book I am reading at the moment is also helping me reevaluate the ways my life would change if I was blind. How would my morning routine change? How about tea? I also am a very clumsy person with sight, so I wonder if being blind would make me more cautious and have less accidents.

Just food for thought

So upon hearing the feedback from my post about rituals (the 30 day writing one) I was told that a) I have many rituals and b) rituals are not just things done everyday.

So I thought I would take you through a day in my life, ritual wise.

I wake up, then I usually look at snapchat and instagram to catch up on what has happened while I was asleep. By then I feel more like a normal human being and then I have drank one cup of water. After that I wash my face and apply my skin care and then work on breakfast, usually oatmeal with chia seeds and raisins. After that I put on makeup and get dressed. I should mention, as was mentioned to me, that during this process I talk to myself and that I go back and forth a lot about what I wear (which is also a sort of ritual).

After that I start my day, that is a lot of different things depending on the day. It usually involves checking things off my planner. By the end of the evening I get home, take my makeup off and do my evening skincare. After that I check snapchat and instagram again before I read a bit and then sleep.

Those are all of the things I usually do each day, besides drinking water, etc.

The ritual has a lot of me time activities where I do talk to myself or watch YouTube videos while doing it and this relaxes me and makes me happy.

So that’s about it for my rituals. I take back my previous statement.

I have many rituals, rituals of self love.

I recently saw an adorable tea strainer of a elephant, which lead me to one of a hippo. The shipping was half of the price of the actual strainer and it become not worth it, financially. I was really disappointed that I couldn’t have it. It was adorable and I love hippos, it would even match my beloved stuffed animal.

But then I realized, I like it, but that doesn’t mean I need to have it. Not everything I like means I have to have it. Just because I like it, that doesn’t equate to ownership. I can like something without having to have it. I had recently thought of this in regards to cute animals, real animals, and agreed.

I see a lot of things that I like, or where the ideas are nice, but that can be where it ends. I don’t need to have it.

I know this is a short blog post, but it’s just something that was on my mind recently.